So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
