Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
