got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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