If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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