Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
