Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
