I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
