My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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