I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I need mimosas to revive my soul
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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