I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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