the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
