do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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