sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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