i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
