question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This baby is an asshole
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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