the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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