Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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