Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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