Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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