I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
