Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
