in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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