Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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