The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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