Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
