So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
