Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The uberlube is also flammable
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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