I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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