two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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