I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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