You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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