I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
