if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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