I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
