i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
