totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
