I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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