His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
