Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
