I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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