I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
