cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
