I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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