Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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