I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
