I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
