Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
