She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
