I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
