You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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