Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
