I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
