My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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