how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
