Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you didnt know i had herpes?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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