Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
